So yeah…i had a mental/nervous breakdown today

I got a 100 on mostly every essay in English last year, with the exception of the first two where i got 95’s because i was still adjusting to the teacher’s likes.

I love to write, i am a great writer, i know this. My English average has always been a 98, my favorite class and my best average.

This year, i have a really hard teacher who takes no nonsense from anyone. She also grades harsher than last years teacher.

So when my friends were all talking about the in the 90’s grade they received on their essays, i though, great, i’m a better writer than they are, so i’ll get a good grade too.

It’s 6th period, and i check parent portal, the website where our grades are, and i see an 80 as my essay grade, dropping my average to a 93.

This is not possible. I promptly try and fight tears, but then the bell rings, and lo and behold, English is my next class.

I’m very angry with the teacher, at myself, and at everyone.

I’m also trying to fight tears.

At the very end of class, the freaking teacher pulls me outside with my essay and asks if i’m ok.

Do i look freaking ok? No! The worst thing you can ask someone who’s fighting tears is if they’re ok, because then they’ll start crying all over you. That is the theme of this story, remember it.

She shows me my grade and starts talking about why i got an 88.

Wait, what!????? I got an 80 i thought. Then i start sobbing, i have no idea why, and apparently, i got 12 points off because my thesis wasn’t specific enough. Understandable, but 12 points!!!??? Honestly, this has been my lowest essay grade throughout high school and even middle school. Frustration.

My English teacher clearly is an idiot because she takes me back into the classroom, a sobbing mess, and hands me tissues. The bell for 7th period has rung by now, everyone is filing out and staring at me crying.

To make it worse, i decided to wear mascara today and i had it running down my face.

So the teacher logs into her account and tells me that the grade is an 88, not an 80.

But i did see an 80, and so did my mom.

Frustration.

Then the bell rings again. I’m officially late for 8th period and still sobbing for no reason.

The teacher refuses to give me a pass because she has a no pass policy.

I’m trying to calm down as i’m about to enter my math class, when a senior who i have a club with says hi to me.

I turn around, he asks me what’s wrong…and i start sobbing all over again.

Ugh, great, i walk into math a little calmer now…and realize we have a substitute. And she’s the bitchy 80 year old English teacher that everyone hates (not my English teacher, another one)

I walk up to her, put my backpack on my desk and tell her my name and that i’m here.

She looks at my red and blotchy face and FREAKING ASKS ME WHY I’M LATE.

I can’t tell her of course because i start sobbing again. The class was doing group work, and not paying attention to me, so i quickly ask to have a minute outside, and grab the tissue box and run outside into the hallway.

I blow my nose and try to calm down when the freaking substitute walks out and tells me that i can’t sit outside alone and that she has to send me to guidance or the nurse in a minute.

She goes back inside and i want to punch her. I start crying even harder and another teacher walks by and asks if i’m ok.

I say i’m fine.

She says she knows and asks if i wanted to go to guidance.

I say yes.

She goes to get my books from the classroom and walks me down the social office where i have a complete breakdown for the rest of the period and cry.

The bell rings for 9th period then, and i’m still shaky, but i have a test next period…

I don’t go and spend the rest of the period calming down and basically having a therapy session, great.

Now i’m home typing this up. My mom just called me. I’m crying again.

I’m not crying anymore.

My face is disgusting.

It’s all red and all of my makeup rubbed off.

I don’t know what happened today.

I’m grateful to the random teacher in the hallway who knew what to do without causing a scene and sparing me from walking back into the classroom and facing my classmates and the bitchy sub.

I don’t know why i was crying. I think it was the shock of the original 80.

Or maybe i’m being too hard on myself. My overall average is still a 94. I’m just disappointed it’s not higher.

(P.s My English teacher called my mom. Great. That’s probably why my mom called me) 😦

The only good part was what i got in the mail just now:

wpid-20151113_144515.jpg

But i’m not going to read them because i have to study for two AP tests this weekend and i can’t have these amazing books distracting me.

So yeah, overall, i’ve had a pretty shitty day and i’m so stressed out and only in 10th grade so it’s only just going to get harder.

I’m really grateful to the social worker person who talked me through it today.

Bye.

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26 thoughts on “So yeah…i had a mental/nervous breakdown today

  1. aw sorry i just saw this!! i, you’ve heard this a million times from me but don’t worry about the grades because they mean NOTHING. you said it yourself that you can write really well (definitely true). also those social work people are awesome. like you can literally ask them to meet during lunch and rant to them for a whole period. just saying. see ya monday :DD

    Liked by 1 person

  2. I’m just going to say it; high school sucks. It’s like someone had the brilliant idea to cram in just enough school that you’re constantly stressed out and the tiniest thing will set you off. And I also agree with you; twelve points off for an thesis that isn’t detailed enough is stupid, and it’s even more stupid that your teacher decided to try and talk to you RIGHT THEN, and then didn’t give you a pass.

    Thanks for stopping by Writing on a Vintage Typewriter!

    Liked by 1 person

  3. While I understand your frustrations, a 94 average is not the end of the world, in fact that’s , really great. Hell, an 88 isn’t the end of the world either. (Even if it was an 80, that’s still not that bad and it was just one portion of your grade) Its great that you set high standards but you are a way too hard on yourself. You are an amazing writer, all of WordPress knows it and you said so yourself. As long as you know that then it doesn’t matter what anyone else has to say, professor or not.

    Liked by 1 person

  4. I know this may sound weird, but thanks for sharing your experience. I’ve had similar reactions a few weeks ago for my Spanish class, and I can totally relate to what you are feeling (not 100% though, of course). So I hope you are having a better day, now that you had time to reflect & express your feelings. School is pretty stressful — just know that you aren’t the only one and if you ever need someone to talk to, I am here. I always have breakdowns and it’s because I set high standards for myself. And it does get hard and overwhelming, but if you take it one step at a time you’ll be okay. Again, I am here if you need anyone.. πŸ™‚

    -Jess @jbelkbooks

    Liked by 1 person

    • Thank you so much. I think we put so much pressure on ourselves to do well and when the stress just keeps mounting up, it can lead to a breakdown. Everyone’s been really nice in the comments and saying how they’ve had similar experiences and you just have to relax and stay strong, so that’s what I need to do. Thanks for the advice, and i’m feeling much better now. How did you handle the Spanish class thing?

      Liked by 1 person

      • Yeah, I totally agree with you & I am glad you are feeling better now! ❀

        The Spanish class situation is a little complicated honestly — My teacher is very strict & unkind when it comes to grading & assigning work. And he just expects A LOT from the students and constantly compares me (and other non-A students) to the "A-students" and how they actually "study" for his quizzes and whatever. But little does he know that I study my ass off for his class just to get my grade up to at least a C (not okay with me what-so-ever). So it's gotten to the point where the other students and I have downgraded ourselves & cried ourselves to sleep.

        I would go more into depth but then this comment would be humongous, haha. But yeah, that's kind of the gist.

        -Jess @jbelkbooks

        Liked by 1 person

  5. Aw, I’m so sorry to hear what happened today. I practically broke down in Geography today after having a panic attack half way through the lesson, then re-entering the class and breaking down in front of the teacher after the lesson, crying. I am SO embarrassed. But I hope you’re okay now, stay strong.

    Liked by 1 person

    • I know how you feel, I was so embarrassed too, and then everyone was like are you ok? And I’m just like, do I look ok? I’m much better now, but it did take several hours to calm down and not feel the need to cry anytime someone spoke to me. Thank you, and you too!

      Liked by 1 person

  6. I hope your okay now. You just need to relax a little bit and don’t be so hard with yourself πŸ™‚ . It happens a lot. When I was 15 I started crying in the middle of class because I had failed on my Philosophy test and I was sure that I was going to have a better grade. In the end I found out that my teacher did the math wrong and I hadn’t failed at all. Still, I cried in front of all my class and teacher πŸ™‚

    Liked by 1 person

  7. It has happened to me quite a few times. I usually get really angry and leave the please otherwise someone will be getting hurt. :p hehe… anyways all the best for your tests. You already have a good grade so don’t worry much. πŸ˜€

    Liked by 1 person

  8. i hope you feel better. your reaction has probably to do with the amount of pressure you’ve put yourself under. I know it doesn’t help what I’m about to say, but you should try to relax about it. I happened to me once when I was 17 with a Portuguese test as well πŸ™‚

    Liked by 1 person

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